Last night I kept turning your pictures with my decaffeinated eyes.

The night before I spent jumbling numbers, so that my fingers could slide towards a wrong digit out of confusion, but the arch of my fingertips is a slave to habit and four years have caused her to get accustomed to the fragility of my heart and I lost my head a long time ago.

The sun sucks blood out of my veins and I am now only skin and body with purple tangible lines. ‘’

Maybe he is fighting too many wars and you are a ticking bomb’’, she says as I swallow empty nights and his maniac silence.

Three months ago, I realized I’m the remnants of bravery and the wreckage of cowardice. My tongue is tainted with words I can’t say, carrying a face carved with my naked heart.

Three months ago, after the sound of seven beeps screeched around the room, I found that I’ve been leaving a trail for someone who would never come searching for me.

Four months later, I am sleeping alone with the summer breeze.

I wanted too much of a relationship that didn’t exist

‘’I am only afraid that you’re going to spend the rest of your life seeking the same loss, he will mutter words you want to hear and say out loud the ones you don’t’’ , she said.

Present day, the structure of my heart has changed. Faceless, hollow, pale.

 

 

 

I find myself admiring my scars, the ones that have turned blue and the ones still fresh with crimson lines of blood. I haven't learnt how to love the ones I hide, I don't think anyone has. the strength and ability to come to terms with things that changed the shape of our face as we watched with helpless eyes is overwhelming, but we convince ourselves that the structure that now hangs down our eyes is the one we always possessed. We hide behind layers of false skin and guilty smiles.
I dreamt of you kissing my salty eyes through the night when my limbs were too tired and escape the treacherous morning submerged in your arms.
Lately my flaws shine bright across the Sable sky, a star for each and I can't count or deal with them all.
I love without thinking
I love without understanding
I love without thinking of death
I love not knowing how to extinguish fire
I love not knowing how to silence the wounds the oceans can't wash
I love without wanting to love another face the way I love yours
I love without wanting to kiss another mouth even though yours is filled with cuts and I'm the knife
I love without wanting to take away the clusters of stars hidden in your veins
I love wanting to forget every time you left.

I'm trying to memorize you face, your contempt towards me gleaming.
There is no forgiveness for me, I am made of crooked atoms and I'm  built with mistakes, forgive me for holding my breath waiting for your return and for the promises I made, for trying always.

I've learned words are not enough to mend hearts or to make up for lost time.
I've learned to love my scars,
They screamed your name
They said I would be able to live without you
And I swore to my heart that I wouldn't
But I've learned to love my scars and the colours they bear
They are marks of survival achieved without you, and sometimes because of you.
Maybe that's what God wanted me to learn, to get through the night on my own, to love my flaws and to love despite being afraid.

You weren't enough to break me. I'm sorry.

It is dark and comforting, the silence of leaves and the drenched buildings. I can’t remember the last time my skin was tattered and pale, tired trembling fingers. There is no sound, wooden floors don’t creak, empty shelves stay still and then it sinks in, like a ghost, your absence and the shimmering blackness is gone and my nerves carry me away like waves towards emptiness.

Maybe I’ll mourn tonight for all the bad decisions, and I’ll draw your face on thin lines of doubt and fear and I’ll carve my lies along with your empty signs and I’ll set fire tonight for all the days that went up in smoke waiting for sweet nothings.

You’re a dead end and a sure beginning

Honey, Damn you.

 

Teach me of rest, of stillness, of silence and acceptance. You’ve burdened me with too many memories, the soft hues of autumn leaves and the moist winter mornings, dim translucent rain drops against the windowpane, even when the sun shined with a frown, we found home and we found love, we didn’t know any other way, neither did we want to.

Lately I’ve been searching for home in cold nights and dead streets. I find you everywhere and I lose you over and over and the butterflies in my stomach turn into daggers twisting my insides until all that is left is the treacherous aftermath of hope and faith.

Nights are made to delude the heart, she whispers “His face bears the look of ancient books, secrets woven with delicate threads across his brow bones and of a heart which could contain oceans.” But the words never find life.

My soul can’t screech so my hands bleed instead, they write of loss and pain and rage but they are never clearly defined.

Slurred melodies and screwed sentences, I’m trying to find my way back home

{You can’t make homes out of people}

I see you with her

Your arms brushing her shoulder blades

And I walk away with lumps of stones straddled in my throat of the house we burnt to the ground.

After a while, words unsaid

Stretch across your tongue

Like creepers turned to stone

And gnaw at your ribs

Until you start to hiss,

Tender, slow wailing.

 

She will turn to god

Remembering each time

She turned away from him.

She calls for forgiveness

With her bleached lips and

Whispers his name with her clenched teeth

He would have been enough

If only she wasn’t reduced to mere apologises.

 

He has learnt to master the art

Of saying no. He knows

The world doesn’t fit more than material

We have compressed our bodies

And we crumble people like soda cans

He has been burnt too many times

To let love inside

With a drunken man’s hope.

 

She sent her words out to find him

And he was tired of reading between the lines.

The world shows up in new pieces everyday, you are everywhere and nowhere. My words they're old and broken, the clocks are tired of waiting and my rusty eyes lie awake ricocheting around memories with no answers, we made a mess of the perfect July. 
The tenderness of faith running in my blood is suffocating my wind pipe and my shaking heart still holds on to hope like it's my only salvation and my body aches in disgust of the person I've become. How do I define that feeling of suffering which eats you up with guilt reminding you that you're not allowed to feel this way because what's done is done and love can't be forced, water and smoke don't go together. but love, emptiness is an immense hole of nothingness and yet it feels so heavy against my skin. I understand your eyes haven't felt mine and I shouldn't ask for honesty when we didn't make any promises and based everything on lies. I don't understand why everything about you gives flight to my fragile bones. I gaze in awe at the insanity of this unsolved glorious mask. I have no idea how many incisions it took to carve your name so deep in me, I've given in to the madness it strangely shines inside me and my crumbling heart can't let go now

[04/11/2015 10:49 pm] Nuzzu: The rays of the new sun shine like spirals of fading embers in your deep sable eyes, yellow leaves playing with your freckled skin, the silent echo of your infinite sorrow as you wrap it across your ribs with your slender palms. how do you not know, you are the tip of the pure snow  flowers and of Sodden fields that flourish the entire earth
You think you bear the sadness of the universe, how do you not know?
You're the spring of the universe,
you occupy all of the stars in your eyes.
You taught that there is still life beating in parts of my reluctant heart which allows me to love gloriously, unconditionally, unapologetically and there is freedom in knowing that but more importantly there is purpose.