Wednesday, 30 March 2016

I find myself admiring my scars, the ones that have turned blue and the ones still fresh with crimson lines of blood. I haven't learnt how to love the ones I hide, I don't think anyone has. the strength and ability to come to terms with things that changed the shape of our face as we watched with helpless eyes is overwhelming, but we convince ourselves that the structure that now hangs down our eyes is the one we always possessed. We hide behind layers of false skin and guilty smiles.
I dreamt of you kissing my salty eyes through the night when my limbs were too tired and escape the treacherous morning submerged in your arms.
Lately my flaws shine bright across the Sable sky, a star for each and I can't count or deal with them all.
I love without thinking
I love without understanding
I love without thinking of death
I love not knowing how to extinguish fire
I love not knowing how to silence the wounds the oceans can't wash
I love without wanting to love another face the way I love yours
I love without wanting to kiss another mouth even though yours is filled with cuts and I'm the knife
I love without wanting to take away the clusters of stars hidden in your veins
I love wanting to forget every time you left.

I'm trying to memorize you face, your contempt towards me gleaming.
There is no forgiveness for me, I am made of crooked atoms and I'm  built with mistakes, forgive me for holding my breath waiting for your return and for the promises I made, for trying always.

I've learned words are not enough to mend hearts or to make up for lost time.
I've learned to love my scars,
They screamed your name
They said I would be able to live without you
And I swore to my heart that I wouldn't
But I've learned to love my scars and the colours they bear
They are marks of survival achieved without you, and sometimes because of you.
Maybe that's what God wanted me to learn, to get through the night on my own, to love my flaws and to love despite being afraid.

You weren't enough to break me. I'm sorry.

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